I have been awake and tossing and turning all morning. A thought--a feeling has finally hit me, and although it may not be immediate, I don't think it's wrong. I feel that it is almost time for my Grammy to pass on to the other side.
As I lie awake, tears occasionally leaking and taking halting breaths that catch in the back of my throat, I have a picture appear before me. One of my beautiful Grandmother, tall and regal, walking to a group of people. A young boy, not much younger than Fox, runs and jumps into her arms. A tall young man wraps her in a two-armed hug. All while my tall, dark, and handsome Grandfather watches, with a smile of total contentment, happiness and love on his face. I can see others too, those who are there to meet her. Who love her and are so grateful to have her home. And I know that this is where she is meant to be. That we here on this side need and love her, but those on the other need her far more than we do. That they have waited patiently long enough. It's time they have their turn. And that gives me peace.
As I have thought and fought with the thoughts of her moving on, two things have come to my mind. First, I am so grateful, and feel extremely privileged to not only carry Grammy's blood, but to also carry her name. At times I don't feel worthy to do either, but the knowledge that I carry both have changed the way I act, at times. As I have watched her, that knowledge has changed the way I think and the way I treat others. I want to do her justice. I want to be just like her.
The second-- I miss my Grandma. Aging must be the most humbling experience in life. And perhaps we need that, to be extremely humbled, before we move on to meet our God. The last few years have been tough as we have watched pieces of Grammy slip away bit by bit. Her strength has faltered. Where she use to be strong and independent, she is weak and needs help to stand. She no longer walks on her own but is wheeled everywhere she goes. Her mind is like the tide, coming and going. At times she seems almost as the Grandma I remember, with good humor, making jokes and giggling, singing ridiculous songs in a ridiculous voice, telling stories of her life growing up and of those she loves. And at times I wonder where she has gone. A mere shell of the woman I knew. Lost somewhere behind those kind eyes. At those times I miss her the most. And unfortunately, lately the tide seems to be going out far more than it is coming in.
And sometimes I wonder if all of this, all that she is going through, is less to humble her and more to humble me? I have loved being here to be able to help her, even though it has been hard to watch her leave me bit by bit. I feel honored to be able to help her failing body, to hug and kiss her, to talk to her about my life and the life around us, even if that day is one of the days that she doesn't respond. I love her. And although tears still leak, and my breath still catches, I am so grateful to her. For the time that I've been able to be with her. For the example that she has been and is to me. For the heritage she has given me. For the honor I have of carrying her blood and her name.
